WATCHDOG BITES BACK


Identity Cards for us - secret loans for them

The sleaze scandal swept over Labour and Tories alike tonight - just when they were getting together to impose id cards on law-abiding citizens.

The Election Watchdog took one look at the Blair/Cameron stories on hidden loans - and told them that he didn-t believe them.

Labour and Tories - in debt to the tune of 39 MILLION POUNDS tried to put an end to the secret loans scandal by CONFESSING to the Electoral Commisioner - IN SECRET.

But the watchdog SNAPPED back - and told them they were BARKING if they thought he was going to believe their story that these were "commercial" loans. He told them they were LEADING him on - and threatened to bring them to heel.

But Labour and the Conservatives slipped the leash and rushed to Westminster. Cameron showed once again why he is called Blair's POODLE. This time the two parties ganged up to impose a national register on law-abiding Brits. So in future the Government will know everything about us - and we still don't know where their money comes from.

Only Ming Campbell's Liberal Democrat were cleared by the election watchdog. Perhaps that is why they voted against the register.
petshop correspondent

DAVE DISSES DEVELOPMENT OPPONENTS

U-Turn Dave Cameron recently SLAMMED opponents of new housing developments on greenfield sites. He called them BANANAS for standing in the way of the developers. Last year, the Tory Toff was happy to support those who wanted to curb the greedy developers. Now, the flip-flop king wants the bulldozers to SMASH down the fences, RIP up the forests and SMOTHER the country in concrete.

So much for Green Dave!

"LET THEM TAKE TAXIS"

Shamed Tory David Mcletchie is back on the road. Panic-stricken Tory bosses in Scotland have recalled the former Tory top cat to the frontbench.

Mcletchie was forced to stand down as leader last audtumn after
* claiming 11,565 for transport
* charging taxpayers for journeys between Holyrood and his office
* pocketing 5000 for unspecified journeys.

The high-flying lawyer later paid back 550.

The Tory traveller is poised to make his return to frontline politics as TRANSPORT spokesman. Political rivals claim that his answer to Scottish transport foul ups will be "let them take taxis!"

MERGERS AND AQUISITIONS FEVER HITS WESTMINSTER

(from City correspondent Peter Pigeon)

The M&A fever that took the FTSE-100 index above 6000 last week is about to spread to Westminster. Rumours are circulating that private equity groups have built up significant stakes in both the Conservative and Labour Parties.

Now insiders suggest that these groups will seek to realise their investments (provided in the form of secret loans) and take control of the boards of each Party. They then propose to push through a merger.

City Analyst Vince Cable has told the BBC that Labour is suffering from negative equity - with assets of just nine million, and debts of more than eleven million.

The private equity groups are being advised by prominent City bankers Levy and Marland. Sources here told the SunGod "A deal like this makes good commercial sense. The two businesses have substantially the same objectives and there is massive overlap in their business operations. The merged company could realise significant synergies. Essentially we are looking at scrapping one London Headquarters and up to 600 high street branches."

What do the Tories have to hide?

Both Labour AND Tories are having to cover up in the face of a new sleaze crisis, according to Sun-God sources.
Tony Blair is already in deep trouble after reports EXPOSED that No 10
BORROWED 14 million from big businessmen
REWARDED donors with Titles and with seats in the House of Lords
kept loans SECRET.
Even the Labour Party's Treasurer says that he was kept in the dark.
Now the Tories are in trouble too.
Reports suggest that they have secretly borrowed more than 20 million from donors but as yet we DON'T KNOW who the donors are nor if they have been made into peers.
One man who HAS been put on the list of Lords in waiting is Camp Cameron fundraiser Jonathan Marland. Last May he stood for election in Somerton and Frome, where he is said to have spent more than any other candidate in the history of British politics.
But the Tory moneyman was DEFEATED by bearded Lib Dem David Heath.

"Camp Cameron can't get it up" says hard man Hain

Labour could lose out to a rampant Lib Dem party at the next election because of a limp Tory performance, a government minister has warned.

Peter Hain, a former Young Liberal firebrand, says posh totty David Cameron is not thrusting or dynamic enough to push the Tories forward.

He fears that if the Old Etonian cannot manage a rise in Conservative poll ratings, his old party may come from behind with a late surge and finish first.

Cuddly Ken Clarke has told the world he is ATTRACTED to young Liberal Democrats.
The top Tory told the Spectator magaizine that The Tories would not win the next General Election - even if the Cameron Camp won more votes than the other parties.
Menwhile the opinion polls showed the Tories DROPPING 3%.
The Tory veteran said that he
• LIKED David Laws, Vince Cable and Nick Clegg
• Would be GLAD to be in a cabinet with the Liberal Democrats and
• could WORK with Lib Dem Leader Ming Campbell.

Top Tory Dave Cameron secretly LUSTS after Britain's PM.
When he saw Tony in trouble over his Education Bill he WHIPPED his Members into the Government lobby.
Meanwhile every one of Ming Campbell's voted against the Bill. They said "The Tories can get into bed with Labour if they want. We're staying independent!"
A relieved Tony Blair said "Thank God for the Tories! They saved my bacon over Iraq, and now they have rescued me again."